I dreamt of an old lover last night. We had one of those relationships where you know all along the you love more than your beloved. It was a very physical relationship. In a good way. Big sigh. We had the same view of life, the same taste in entertainment, food and books. There was so much going right. We'd been together four years when she broke up with me...kinda out of the blue. She did not give me a reason. I was flummoxed, heartbroken. Ten days later I went out and hooked up with someone else. I refused to pine away which had been a life long pattern of mine. As much as I loved her I refused to suffer ad infinitum.... or for a month.
A month ago I received a letter from her. The 4 yrs with the hook-up ended in March 08. She wanted back into my life.... I'm not sure for what exactly. We began to exchange emails, catching one another up on what'd been going on in each other's lives. We where volleying twice a day or more. I was hoping, just maybe she was wanting to get back together. I would have been very happy to simply get back to bed with her. That always worked for us. Then out of the blue, without explanation the emails stopped. It's been two weeks. While I'm not heartbroken.. I am bruised. After a week of silence I let her know that although it was nice catching up I was ending the fledgling friendship. As I go about my day my mind wanders to why? and what's wrong with me ? I slap myself and think about something else. In an unguarded moments those questions return. That oh so human urge to beat ourselves up is very persistent.
Last night I dreamt that Donna was in my bedroom putting her things away in my drawers and hanging her clothes in my closet... making herself at home. I tried to talk to her but it was as if she was behind a glass wall. As I tried to get her attention I was interrupted by a knock at the door. There on my back steps where several good friends. It was so good to see their dear faces but I needed to get back to Donna. They tumbled into my kitchen, chatting happily as they sat around my table and started dealing out cards... dealing me a hand as I reluctantly sat down. I was drawn back to my bedroom like a moth to flame. There she was busy carving out a place in my life but having no need to communicate with me. It was as if she couldn't see me. As I opened my mouth to speak the door bell rang. Now my front doorsteps where crowded with friends and family. They hugged me and kissed me. They told me how they'd missed me as they flowed into my house. Then the alarm clock sounded.
Well you don't have to be a shrink to figure out that dream eh? I woke all warm and squishy. I have so much love in my life. I need to continue to move toward the love and not look back lest I be transformed into a pillar of salt. It's a great feeling to get clarification from a dream... it shows me that I do know what's best for me. I just need to speak to me when my guard is down... then I really listen.
The photo is of the pups at 4 weeks with Mom.
Peace and love,