Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Franklin had his way with me today. As it should be. That's what Grammies are for. The pic above shows him exploring the world of the dog woman. He has decided he loves crates and would be very happy climbing in, shutting the door, opening the door and crawling out over and over all day. Eventually the dogs needed their sleeping quarters. He was very gracious and found he could do the same trick with the kitchen cabinets.
My house is happily trashed. I'm exhausted. My plan for the night is call for some Chinese food and take my pillow and blankie to the sofa and crash. The rubble will wait till tomorrow.
I never expected having a grandchild would be so satisfying. I had his father at age 22 after a short and singular bout of baby fever. My young husband went along... or as I remember he was bowled over by my baby Nazi energy and 10 months later James joined us here on the planet. I am not the type of woman who fawns over every baby I see. Babies are nice but frankly I am fine watching from here ... across the room. I was a good Mom though totally out of my element when James was an infant. As he grew I got my sea legs and we where off and running. Little James and I made a good team. I never talked baby talk to him. I remember complaining to my months old child when Ford pardoned Nixon. I swear he understood my rage. In no time he was speaking in full sentences. A verbal child. I had a yellow bike with a baby seat and we rode all over the idyllic little Cape Cod town we lived in at the time. We where beachcombers, beach bums and regulars at Ron's Coffee Shop, the yellow bike propped against the railing outside. He was my sweet pal and I never wanted or expected another thing from the baby goddess.
My son and his wife had been married for 5 years when they announced their pregnancy to a surprised and happy family gathered round the Thanksgiving table. I was speechless! They had never expressed a desire for a child nor do they lead a life that naturally lends itself to raising a family. They have big jobs, a big group of unmarried friends and a hobby that eats up all their spare time. I was very happy but could not for the life of me figure what all this meant or how it would change my life and view of the world.
The upshot is that now I feel truly rooted in the family of humankind. I can see my grandmother and my father in his movement and essence. He looks just like my handsome young husband did at this age. He smells like his own Dad did. At times I am transported back to those halcyon days in Chatham when I was young, beautiful, strong and when life seemed endless and tasted of salt air. I understan the continuum and how one life leads to the next and so on and so on. I know when I'm gone there will be a man who will see me in the face of his own child. Better yet he will remember me and this day when he trashed my house and crawled in and out of the dog crates. If he doesn't actually remember he'll have the photos to prove this day happened when Grammy Jane was still on the planet with him. I know he'll say we were good pals.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
A month ago I received a letter from her. The 4 yrs with the hook-up ended in March 08. She wanted back into my life.... I'm not sure for what exactly. We began to exchange emails, catching one another up on what'd been going on in each other's lives. We where volleying twice a day or more. I was hoping, just maybe she was wanting to get back together. I would have been very happy to simply get back to bed with her. That always worked for us. Then out of the blue, without explanation the emails stopped. It's been two weeks. While I'm not heartbroken.. I am bruised. After a week of silence I let her know that although it was nice catching up I was ending the fledgling friendship. As I go about my day my mind wanders to why? and what's wrong with me ? I slap myself and think about something else. In an unguarded moments those questions return. That oh so human urge to beat ourselves up is very persistent.
Last night I dreamt that Donna was in my bedroom putting her things away in my drawers and hanging her clothes in my closet... making herself at home. I tried to talk to her but it was as if she was behind a glass wall. As I tried to get her attention I was interrupted by a knock at the door. There on my back steps where several good friends. It was so good to see their dear faces but I needed to get back to Donna. They tumbled into my kitchen, chatting happily as they sat around my table and started dealing out cards... dealing me a hand as I reluctantly sat down. I was drawn back to my bedroom like a moth to flame. There she was busy carving out a place in my life but having no need to communicate with me. It was as if she couldn't see me. As I opened my mouth to speak the door bell rang. Now my front doorsteps where crowded with friends and family. They hugged me and kissed me. They told me how they'd missed me as they flowed into my house. Then the alarm clock sounded.
Well you don't have to be a shrink to figure out that dream eh? I woke all warm and squishy. I have so much love in my life. I need to continue to move toward the love and not look back lest I be transformed into a pillar of salt. It's a great feeling to get clarification from a dream... it shows me that I do know what's best for me. I just need to speak to me when my guard is down... then I really listen.
The photo is of the pups at 4 weeks with Mom.
Peace and love,
Thursday, November 20, 2008